Candid & Random

cauzwhalesgomoo @ 2007-01-31T12:44:00

2007-01-31T21:01:50Z

Ok, so I'm back, writing on here.
I don't really need to, but I kind of miss having a place to actually write down my feelings about things. It's been almost three months so it's not like I don't have any will power.

So updates:
Right now I'm working on my second semester at Grossmont, currently taking classes in acting, music, dance, and sign language.
Last semester, I talked with my intro to theatre teacher and long story short, I'm now working with the theatre dept. as sort of an advertisement intern. I'm SO ELATED. This could very well be my "in" to my future dream job, and I feel like I handle(d) myself professionally it's a great feeling.

and...there's one particular person this semester. =)
I don't want to jynx anything by giving any details, but let's just say things are going my way.

the only complaints I have are that
a.) I'm on my third week of recovery from the flu that I had and I'm still a little blegh
and b.) jazz dance makes you hurt from the diaphram down...ouch.

other than that,

♥ Life is simply amazing

cauzwhalesgomoo @ 2006-11-04T21:29:00

2006-11-05T05:29:23Z

Life is great. Well, it's weird, but in the end, it's still amazing.
I really don't know if anyone reads this anymore. I never really had many LJ friends to begin with and most of the ones I do have on LJ are dormant.

Honestly, there's nothing really to put here. Yes, there have been some happenings that I could easily share with the world, but it's not worth it.

Any negativity that I've come across doesn't deserve any of my energy. You wouldn't BELIEVE how many times I've wanted to yell at people, or things (or inatimate objects such as ringing telephones) for the disruptance, annoyance and/or pain they've caused me.

but I'm not, and I think I'm stronger now more than I have ever been in my life.

I don't think there is any need to write on here anymore, but it was great while it lasted.

I hope everyone is doing well and I guess this is goodbye to the livejournal community.

=) peace

cauzwhalesgomoo @ 2006-10-24T20:29:00

2006-10-25T03:34:57Z

I am a person worthy of great things.
I care about people
I put the needs of the people I love before my own
I'm a beautiful person. No, I don't think I'm all that, but I like who I am.
It's really wonderful when you're finally able to look at yourself and enjoy who you are.
try it =)

no one reads this anyway, but I just wanted to remind myself for later.

Apology

2006-10-02T23:49:51Z

There are alot of things I need to own up to.
First off, recently I have not handled situations correctly.
Instead of confronting you on what was bothering me, I went to someone else, who shouldn't have been involved.
I didn't think about what I was doing at all. Yes, I was bothered, but no one else should have been included.

When things got akward, I acted stupid and babyish and no one deserves to be treated that way. no one.

I saw the whole thing from one prespective, and that's selfish. I only cared about how you were making me feel and didn't stop to consider what I was doing to you.

I may have been hurt, but I should have told you about it.

I don't expect you to forgive me. I'm realizing what a jerk I was and I'm even finding it hard to forgive myself.

I shouldn't have harbored things in
I shouldn't have talked to anyone else about it
and I definetly shouldn't have called you names that were uncalled for.
I was just upset.

I'm sorry.

cauzwhalesgomoo @ 2006-10-01T19:04:00

2006-10-02T02:20:18Z

*edit*
I don't know what the fuck I believe anymore.

cauzwhalesgomoo @ 2006-09-29T17:27:00

2006-09-30T00:42:23Z

this week feels alot better. It probably helped that I stopped being a stupid baby and got my act together.

I have NO reason to be depressed or upset

and I think it came out on people I love

so I'm sorry about that.

Ryan Morgan and I want to go to the live viewing of Rocky Horror this Wednsday.

Only problem is how I would ever explain going to Grossmont at midnight.

I really don't want to lie to my parents, but I know that's something they'd never agree with.

I just want to learn things for myself right now, you know?

I'll be 18 soon.

Like in about two weeks...wow.

cauzwhalesgomoo @ 2006-09-24T20:28:00

2006-09-25T03:52:19Z

I did the unthinkable. I deleted my myspace. Yep. No one thought I could do it, but I did.
I got that final push right over the edge.
Maybe it's just the result of a really bad Saturday. Or maybe I'm just tired of it.
I seriously believe that alot of negative feelings come out of the owning of a myspace profile.
I'm kind of glad that I'm free of it.
I have school tomorrow and I feel like shit.

Maybe it'll do me some good to see some friends. Any friend.
I need a validation of some sort right now that I'm not a horrible person, but
I guess everyone ends up with that label at some time or another.
It's all just a matter of knowing your judges.

I'll try my best not to eat my own head off and cheer myself up.
(how ANYONE would even BEGIN to accomplish THAT, I have no idea)

I'm feeling very unpopular and lost.

cauzwhalesgomoo @ 2006-09-23T23:02:00

2006-09-24T06:22:05Z

the only day I remembered my hair looking that good Junior year.

First pic of Jess I ever took <3

I thought I was so cool with that hat.

Favorite Picture EVER

DENNYS YEARLY DAYS

Perfect timing, Nate

SENIOR PROM

Fun Night

cauzwhalesgomoo @ 2006-09-18T21:02:00

2006-09-19T04:25:50Z

for some reason, Tears and Rain by James Blunt describes how I feel right now in a certain area of my life.
As some, or well, one of you may know, I did something horrible last year to a person who didn't deserve it. The strange things is, I did it because I really liked them. It has been a long time since it happened and I feel great about letting that whole situation go. I guess I just feel haunted right now. This person might be coming back into my life really soon and I don't know if I can handle it. There's no way I can apologise for what I did. And I doubt that they'd forgive me anyway. Life sucks when you have regrets, even if it's only one.

I took my theatre test today and I think I didn't do so well. I completly blanked on the names so I'm keeping my expectations at 50% right now so I won't be too dissapointed when I get my grade back.

I'm thinking about doing Benni Hauhna's for my birthday. I'm not sure if I could pay for it all myself, but it'd be fun and something we haven't done.

I've got an idea for a tattoo, I just need to get the exact imagry right before I really decide on it.

I want to move out sooo bad. I'm applying everywhere, basically, and even if it kills me I'm going to try to move out by fall semester 2007.
I'll go over details later.

I still want to go to New York during the summer too so I'm gonna have to do a hell of a lot of work to accomplish everything.

well, anyways, g'night.

cauzwhalesgomoo @ 2006-09-14T19:56:00

2006-09-15T03:15:09Z

So, currently Heartland's upcoming play is a bit more, eh hem, naughty than expected, so my task over the weekend is to edit and tweek a few lines. joy!
It's going to be a fun play to work on though. I hope I do well advertising it, SPEAKING OF WHICH....

it's called BUS STOP
dates are Nov. 16, 17, and 18
if you're interested in coming let me know so I can figure out ticket prices and get you in.
It'll be really amazing if you could come!

Jessica's birthday's tomorrow so I've been working on her present most of today, so I hope she likes it.

On myspace, I just found out that a hacker posted a bulletin on my thing and said "Check out these sexy pics of me!" and it had a link to a sex webcam thing. EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW.

Bitch-hole Dick! Yep, that's right, I just called him a bitch-hole. I made it up. isn't it clever? Ok, not really. For some reason, in the last few months when I have really gotten mad, I would here that word in my head. I guess when I'm furious a common curse isn't good enough so I made up a slightly silly one...interesting.

well, anyways, g'nght loves.

cauzwhalesgomoo @ 2006-09-12T22:19:00

2006-09-13T05:35:52Z

*I'm too tall
*some people automatically won't like me cause I'm not scene or some shit like that
*my mouth is like a distorted piece of picaso genius. dammit. I hate that I look like drew barryomore when I talk from the side of my mouth, only I can't pull it off.
*the only real guy friend I've made at college is most likely gay, and the rest don't really care so I'm screwed in that department.
*I'm the most un-coordinated dancer ever. seriously. I bet you I'll fall over and start a domino effect.
*Should I smoke or should I not? Should I try drinking or not? I have my own perspective on what's wrong for me or right, but this part gets a little fuzzy with me. I really shouldn't worry about it cause it's not a big deal.
*when am I aloud to stop being nice and REALLY speak my mind?

...fuuuuck.

cauzwhalesgomoo @ 2006-09-07T09:18:00

2006-09-07T16:32:42Z

Dance is tomorrow, and I haven't practiced at all.
My friend from dance and theatre class invited me to a BBQ at her place, but called it off this morning
cause her brother didn't want to be responsible if people got drunk...huh.

I probably wasn't going to go anyway cause my dad spread his sickness too me. dammit.

BUT
through rain, sleet, snow, and even sore throats, I'm going to go to dance class tomorrow and to the football game with my girls.

why?

A.) misiing dance will effect my grade, so I'm screwed if I don't go

B.) I love my friends so they'll be the spot of shimmering light at the end of my tunnel of a week. well, no that my week was bad.

cauzwhalesgomoo @ 2006-09-02T11:44:00

2006-09-02T19:00:09Z

Dance class yesterday: BRUTAAAAAAAAAAL
but it's good that I'm feeling pain right now cause that means I actually did something good for me I guess. I need to go to the gym today so I can keep it up and also practice my routine, which I only remember half of.

Bowling: So it ended up being just me, julie, kathy and jessica cause SOMEONE probably went to magic mountain haha.
Our screen thingy gave us problems, so Our bowling names ended up being:
Mine-Ltouchhere)
Jessica-num1here)
Julie-hurvffjdjdgd
Kathy-Vins girl

hahaha

So I basically won both times we went through, but the lane we were given was fucked up or something cause it gave us wrong scores and stuff a few times, so oh well.

then we went to yogurtmill, then denny's. None of us had a real meal the whole night, but it was fuuun

can't wait to go to Horton with the girls on monday <3

cauzwhalesgomoo @ 2006-08-30T17:46:00

2006-08-31T01:05:37Z

Today in class:
Mr. Jordan lectured more about the history of theatre relating to greece and rome, and it ended with the fact that catholic choir boys who were tenors were castrated before puberty so they could keep their high angelic voices.
Ryan then declared that he will be having nightmares for the next few days. haha. that's my buddy

Commute:
So, I took the bus, rode the trolley, took the bus again, then walked up hill to get to heartland. I'm surprised I wasn't more lost, I actually made it to my destination so, yay me!

Heartland: Class is bigger than ast year. The addition of a few new students made improv look alot easier than it is. stupid naturals haha.
Didn't really have much to do there today cause I don't have any production meetings until next week so I just got to sit and enjoy.

Mr. Hofstee said I could call him Donald since I'm no longer a student. My brain responded to that with a "yes, mr. Hofstee., but my mouth said "oh, ok".

I have a minor headache right now, but it was all in all a pretty good day.

So, girls need to do smething Saturaday. Tara:
After you and nancy left, the rest of us thought it'd be cool to go down to horton plaza. what do you think?

cauzwhalesgomoo @ 2006-08-26T10:22:00

2006-08-26T17:39:25Z

Tara's Birthday
evil baby
bill
pinata
freak dancing to jazz
running from freaky promoter in walmart
stealth mission:TP
starbucks closed haha
She's the man
I love these people <3

cauzwhalesgomoo @ 2006-08-21T13:00:00

2006-08-21T20:14:40Z

went to my first class today.
Made two friends (acquaintences)
Erin and Andrew
Some pretty cute guys in there
good day, but it took half the class time to get through role call.
I hope I do well there.

As for other things, the frustration in my last entry still stands, only i guess it's simmered down some. I'm not going to talk about why I was frustrated, but I just hope things get better. I have no idea what to do.

cauzwhalesgomoo @ 2006-08-20T18:10:00

2006-08-21T01:12:49Z

AAAAAAARGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHFFFFFFRRRRRRRH HADPOSYDFJKLSFGKGJGFJDFSFHGHGHDGHSFDFHGHGHGJJ

fuck fuck shitty shitty fuck fuck

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHH

cauzwhalesgomoo @ 2006-08-15T22:31:00

2006-08-16T06:01:09Z

I saw World Trade Center today. So here's how it went:
I get to the theatre and decide to get another application so I could get the right information on it and be able to apply. When I ask for it, the lady at the box office forwarned me that my hair would be against regulation, so it's either the hair or a job with a free movies benefit. hmm. what to do.

ANYWAYS

As I went to find a seat, I noticed that there was barely anyone in there. I guess it's because alot of people think it's too soon for a movie like that to be shown in theatres. I thought so too, that is, until I actually saw it.

Nicolas Cage plays the police sargent who was one of the first on the scene at ground zero. The minute I see him on screen, my mind goes "oh great, that's nicolas cage trying to pass off as a normal guy. This is going to ruin the experiance for me."

Then, only a short few minutes after that, the whole spirit behind the film and the events that occured washed away the thought I came into the movie with. It was like 9/11 was real again.

Now wait a minute, Christina. How was 9/11 ever FAKE? Well, it wasn't.
When the first airplane hit, I was riding in a car with my mom and sister to jr. high. For a whole week, they played reruns of the buildings' collapse. Of course it was real. it was so real, I watched movies in my bedroom to get away from it.

Get away from it. That's just it. 9/11 was a traumatic time for everyone. thousands of people died and only twenty were saved from the ruins.
While walking out of that movie, I looked around me and saw hundreds of people; happy, sad, strange, and familiar. They were just living their lives. I guess watching this movie awoke something in me. Something that reminded me that maybe, my problems are not that big compaired to the great scheme of things.

Whatever it is you might get out of watching it, whether it is closure, greatfulness, anger. It's a good thing.

Watch it. It might not be a feel good comedy, but it leaves you with, dare I say it, an attitude of gratitude.

cauzwhalesgomoo @ 2006-08-12T21:44:00

2006-08-13T05:14:03Z

So here it is again; that feeling that begins at the pit of our stomach and spreads like a sickness till every inch of you is filled with self disgust, and blinking means giving yourself a millisecond to dwell in repressed memories and wince at every mistake.
Yep, that's the feeling. Beautiful isn't it? It's that same anxiety you got knowing that santa claus was watching your every move and you sure as hell didn't want to end up with a lump of coal that christmas.
Screw santa, I've been bad this year, and acting like a perfect angel from here on out won't make things right. Besides, perfection is too much of a burden to carry. The best I can do is, well, do my best.

I can't wait for school to start. I really need to channel my focus on more important things right now.

cauzwhalesgomoo @ 2006-08-10T12:03:00

2006-08-10T19:23:11Z

In the past week, I have written six post secret cards that I plan to send to the site.
secrets, beliefs, frustrations.
I only planned on making one, then after I got that out of my system, more just seemed to stream out.
I've only completly finished the first one I started and it's ready to mail.

there is something thereputic about making a post secret post card.

Every ounce of pain, sadness, anger is thrown onto this piece of paper, and when you're done, it's art.

I think I'm happier knowing that I('m) not/ won't be alone in this.

cauzwhalesgomoo @ 2006-08-08T20:26:00

2006-08-09T03:54:00Z

It's not a secret that I can get socially awkward when I meet new people sometimes.

(Yes, I have plenty of amazing friends, but I don't know, I think I got lucky with them.)

Maybe it's because I don't know what kind of humor they respond to or I'm trying too hard, or not even trying at all.

It's always bothered me that I can never make a good first impression, and it sucks cause you can't get a redo on that type of thing.

I'm not whining, cause I'm very happy with who I am at this point in my life. I guess I just wish I was given a fair chance.

It would be easy for me to just say "screw the world!" , give up, and go into a reclusive state.

but no, I'm going to live my life as loud as I sing in the shower every morning.

I'm getting braver, and I'm proud of that. =)

cauzwhalesgomoo @ 2006-08-05T15:32:00

2006-08-05T22:43:12Z

I can't wait to go out and spend time with my friends.

For a reason I care not to mention, I've been feeling really crappy in the past few days.

I hope they all know how much they mean to me.

cauzwhalesgomoo @ 2006-08-03T18:40:00

2006-08-04T01:53:30Z

READY TO HEAR MY CLASS SCHEDULE?!?!

Ok

M/W Intro to theatre 11am-12-15
F Intro to dance 8 am-9:50

and then there's music which is full, dammit, so I'll have to crash that

t/th Music 12:30pm-2:20

then on Wednsdays starting September 6, I'll be working with the drama department at heartland as executive producer for their first play from about 3pm to like 5:30 or 6

So, It might not seem like alot, but I'll be busy girl.

If I can handle this a few weeks in, I might try to go for a paying job. eek!

Wow,...college.

cauzwhalesgomoo @ 2006-08-01T23:27:00

2006-08-02T06:41:27Z

had a great day with some of my favorite people

can't wait til Jess gets back from San Fran though.

on a different note:

I'm still plagued over what I had done four months ago. I know it was wrong, I've prayed about it, but there's no way I could ever say sorry to this person. There's no real way I can make things right. The best I can do is do nothing. Live my life, be more careful over my actions, and just get over it...I just wish I didn't feel so terrible.

cauzwhalesgomoo @ 2006-07-29T23:37:00

2006-07-30T06:46:04Z

I think Denny's OWES us.
we keep them in business

♥